Burnt Biscuits

Every now and then, you hear a story that has a meaning that is so profound it grabs hold of you and doesn't let go until you pass it on to someone else. Today, I am compelled to share this gift with you:

When I was a kid, my mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. And I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work. On that evening so long ago, my mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage and extremely burned biscuits in front of my dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all my dad did was reach for his biscuit, smile at my mom and ask me how my day was at school. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that biscuit and eat every bite!

When I got up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my mom apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits. And I'll never forget what he said: "Honey, I love burned biscuits."
Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, "Your Momma put in a hard day at work today and she's real tired. And besides - a little burnt biscuit never hurt anyone!"

You know, life is full of imperfect things... and imperfect people. I'm not the best at hardly anything, and I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like everyone else. What I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each others faults - and choosing to celebrate each others differences - is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.

And that's my prayer for you today. That you will learn to take the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of your life and lay them at the feet of God. Because in the end, He's the only One who will be able to give you a relationship where a burnt biscuit isn't a deal-breaker!

We could extend this to any relationship. In fact, understanding is the base of any relationship, be it a husband-wife or parent-child or friendship!

"Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket - keep it in your own."

God Bless You... Now, and Always.

SD Denny, Author

2009 African American Literary Award Nominee

www.sddenny.com

Denying My Blackness?

Since the recent Tiger Woods media frenzy began, I've seen a great deal of comments regarding Tiger "denying his blackness" or "denying his black heritage." It seems that because he refers to himself as "Cablinasian" some people feel that he is denying the part of him that is black.

This is something that I've thought deeply about for many years, especially because I happen to be biracial. When I had to choose between black and white on applications in past years, I'd always chosen black. After all, I'd grown up in a household with a black mother and because anyone could look at me and tell that I wasn't white! But since the "other" or "multiracial" options have become available, I have chosen to select one of those instead. And it's not because I'm denying my black heritage, but simply because I have more than one parent, and the other just happens to be white.

I embrace both sides of my heritage, black and white. And I'm sorry if I offend anyone when I say that I'm biracial, but I don't feel that I should have to choose one or the other simply because there's someone out there who feels that if I don't classify myself as being black, then I'm not being proud of my black heritage.

Give Tiger a break...and trust that when he looks in the mirror, he is very much aware that he is looking at a man with strong black heritage.

Your thoughts?

Relation “Shifts”

Have you ever heard that saying, “People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime?”
That is the truth! For many of us, the most important things in our lives are the relationships we have with others, whether they’re family, friends, lovers, or life partners. As I’ve matured to the ripe age of 44 that I am, I can truly say that my outlook on relation “shifts” has taken on a new meaning. People come and go. I’ve seen it explained before, but this evening I’ve taken the time to break it down in my own terms.
Reason: Have you ever been at a place in your life when you were so distraught, perhaps over the loss of another relationship or something else that was significant in your life and you didn’t know how you were going to make it through? Then you think, “Wow, if it wasn’t for this person, or that person, I don’t know how I would’ve made it.” I believe God brings people in and out of our lives to help us through tough times, or perhaps to teach us a lesson, or even take us through certain experiences to make us stronger, or make us examples for others who may need an example.
Season: Do you feel you are a different person than you were 10, 20, or even 30 years ago? I believe we go through seasons in our lives. I am constantly evolving and I know that I couldn’t interact the same with someone 20 years ago that I could today. You may have friends or life partners that were in your life when you were in a particular season, but today that relationship just doesn’t have the same meaning. It’s natural for people to grow, and sometimes that means your life takes a different direction. That’s okay! You thank God for the season and the growth and you continue to grow. If God has called you for a purpose, it may be time to let go and move on. It doesn’t have to be a BAD thing and it doesn’t mean that you have to stop loving someone. Sometimes, letting go may be best for the other person, just as much as it may be for you.
Lifetime: There are some people that will always be a part of your life. No matter what. You usually know who they are. They may be people we communicate with all the time or we may rarely talk to them…but there’s just this unspoken promise that for as long as you are alive, you’re in their life and they’re in yours.
I think it helps the healing process by being able to determine why certain people came into our lives or left our lives. It can also help in the decision making process as to whether or not it’s time to let go of a relationship that may have you in a stagnated state. Either way, we live, we love, and we learn. And we live some more.
Do you know who’s who in your life? Can you move past a painful experience by being able to identify the meaning of that relationship in your life?

Your thoughts?

Depression

On Friday May 1^st my debut novel, The Baker’s Dozen, is being released to the public! Am I excited? Absolutely! Who wouldn’t be? And treading on its heels, May 3 - May 9, is yet another momentous time - National Anxiety and Depression Awareness Week. You’ll find that The Baker’s Dozen touches on the subject of depression and mental illness within the family as it narrates the story of a young woman’s struggle from within to allow herself the freedom to love. With the two being very significant to me, I thought it was the perfect time to write this blog.

With a struggling economy and so many companies shedding jobs, more and more people are facing situations that could easily drive them over the edge of sanity. Depression has claimed many victims and embedded its ugly claws in the lives of people you would never think possible.

For instance, no one could ever have convinced me that I would experience depression. A few years ago I endured several major changes in my life, all at one time, that caused me to fall into a deep emotional slump. After weeks of being in denial, I finally convinced myself to take advantage of the employee assistance program at work. It wasn’t an overnight process, but I had to take the first step toward healing. The help that I received, coupled with my spiritual growth, enabled me to climb out of the pit I’d subconsciously fallen into.

That first step was the hardest. As a single woman and head of my household, I had developed the attitude of a leader. I had to be strong for my family, and admitting that I was dealing with depression was the same as admitting that I was weak and could be penetrated. Not to mention I was embarrassed. Those are some reasons why depression goes untreated. So many are ashamed to admit that they’re suffering, so they suffer in silence, thinking it will go away when sometimes it only gets worse.

Here are some facts you should know about depression:

·        It causes you to feel sad and hopeless much of the time.

·        Anyone can have depression. It often, but not always, runs in families.

·        It can be caused by major events that cause stress, illnesses, medications, and drug/alcohol use.

·        It can be treated with counseling or antidepressant medicine, or both.

 

Here are some facts that I found to be really interesting:

·        54% of people think depression is a personal weakness.

·        41% of depressed women are too embarrassed to seek help.

·        80% of depressed people are not currently getting treatment.

·        92% of depressed African-American males do not seek treatment.

·        15% of depressed people will commit suicide.

·        Depression will be the second largest killer after heart disease by 2020 - and studies show depression is a contributory factor to fatal coronary disease. 

If you or someone you know needs help, there are many resources available. Also, in observance of National Anxiety and Depression Awareness Week, I challenge you to broaden your knowledge of depression. Here’s one website I found to be particularly helpful: www.freedomfromfear.org

 

If you are led to make a contribution to this cause, visit www.mindovermatter2day.com, a not-for-profit organization that uses the donations they receive to help people get the assistance they need.  

Please join me as I celebrate the release of my debut novel on Friday May 1^st. 

To order your copy of The Baker’s Dozen, visit www.peaceinthestormpublishing.com

The Loveless Bed

You'll find that I refer to songs in a great deal of my blogs because I pay special attention to lyrics and sometimes find myself comparing them to events in my life or feelings that I may have. These last few days I've been pondering the lyrics to "Epiphany", a piece of spoken word that Jill Scott performs to a very erotic musical beat on her CD, Words and Sounds: Volume 3.
In this piece, Jill vividly describes what appears to be the perfect sexual encounter with someone whose sole purpose is to give her pleasure. She goes on to describe how she takes over and "puts it on him" to the point where he has spasms in his feet (wow), but suddenly the beat stops and she says "But why do I feel so empty?" This was an epiphanic moment.

A few years ago when I found myself at the end of a long-term relationship, I was suddenly faced with a choice. Do I abstain or not? Sounds easier than it really is for a thirty-something year-old sensual woman, right!

Well, here I am today at forty-three and single. I'm still a sensual woman, but I've learned many valuable lessons over the years. One being the drastic change in how people view relationships today. It seems that people have become much more tolerant to sex in the absence of relationships and love. Everywhere you turn, you hear the term "friend with benefits" or "cut buddy" and quite frankly, I've become afraid that this relationship style will become the popular way to relate for our future generations.

In digging deeper into the "friend with benefits" style of relationships, I've become curious about the reason that both male and female engage in such relationships. Does the female have an issue with low self-esteem and settles for sex because she thinks she isn't worthy or can't imagine anyone truly loving her? Is the male exploiting his female partner or taking advantage of her lack of self-esteem? Does he not have the capability to truly love a woman or is there some deep-rooted unresolved issue that causes him to prefer to keep it on a physical level? (Note that these are merely questions and not judgements being placed on anyone.)

Is there something wrong with this, or is the "friend with benefits" concept perfectly normal and acceptable for consenting adults?

What do you think?

She Speaks! I listen...

Loving Someone Flaws and All

As I sat having breakfast and some really great girl-talk with a friend this morning, the topic of flaws came up. My friend pointed out to me that I may need to overlook certain flaws in men if I ever plan to have a companion. I realized that she might be right and wondered if that might have something to do with me still being single at forty-three. Nahhh, couldn't be.

Ever heard Beyonce's song Flaws and All? She's talking about all the things about herself that could be seen as flaws in someones eyes, yet they are overlooked by the one who truly loves her.

The chorus goes: I don't know why you love me. And that's why I love you. You catch me when I fall. Accept me flaws and all. And that's why I love you.

I grew up in the fast life of Brooklyn, NY around fast-talking guys with big-city mentalities. My mother referred to them as "City Slickers", but they were all I knew. When I moved to North Carolina in my early twenties, it took some time adapting to the differences I noticed in most men. The fast-talk had dwindled down to a much slower pace and gone was the street hustler that could take you out all the time and give you almost anything you asked for. I looked at these differences as flaws and overlooked some wonderful southern men as a result. There was one in particular who stands out. I saw him as being too "country" for my taste and belittled his love for me. When I look back, this was by far the one who loved me the way that I would want to be loved today.

That was long ago, and things have changed. I've learned a huge lesson on diversity and that differences are not flaws. I've learned that although I'm from a big city, I'm a country girl at heart and I love the character of a southern gentleman who can hang a ceiling fan, change the oil in my car, take me out for a good 'ole fish dinner and show me he's the king of the jungle where it counts!

I've grown a great deal, and although I don't like to dwell on what would've been, I still can't help but wonder what opportunities for love or friendship I've let pass me by because I couldn't get past what I considered were flaws.

How many friendships or relationships have you let pass you by because of someones flaws?

She Speaks! I listen...

Domestic Violence and Abuse Sucks!

As you may know, October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and I thought it would be fitting to dedicate my first weekly posting of “She Speaks!” to this cause.
First, let me say that my heart goes out to Jennifer Hudson as she mourns the loss of her mother and brother who were murdered in her mother’s South Chicago home on Friday. I saw in one news story that this may be the result of a domestic dispute. Unfortunately, too many domestic disputes end in the tragic deaths of innocent victims.
In my own life, I’ve also experienced domestic violence from different perspectives. When I was seventeen, I met a handsome young man who I eventually discovered turned violent when he became jealous. After getting hit in the head on more than one occasion, I walked away from the situation and refused to see him ever again. I never imagined that I’d be confronted with this kind of violence again, but in my twenties I became involved with yet another man who would use violence to try to control my life. This time, it wasn’t as easy to walk away from the situation because I’d had a child with him. For years, I lived in fear of being hurt or even killed. I thank God that He protected me from harm and showed me what real love is. On the other hand, not everyone is able to escape this sickness as easily. I continue to pray for a family member who has been the victim of domestic violence for over 15 years now. It’s as though she doesn’t think she deserves anything better; like this is what her life should be like. What about her innocent children? Should they be made to suffer as well?
Domestic violence doesn’t just affect the victim. It reaches far and wide and there are indirect victims who suffer as well. For instance, the children of the victim suffer as they watch their parent or guardian abused and demeaned at the hands of their perpetrator. And there are family members who are helpless as they watch their child, sister, or brother constantly in danger, not knowing when or if the phone will ring or if a knock will come at the door bringing bad news.
Domestic violence is more common than some of us may be aware. Around the world, at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime. Nearly one-third of American women (31 percent) report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives, according to a 1998 Commonwealth Fund survey.

If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence and would like to get help, here are a couple of resources where you can start:
http://www.endabuse.org/
http://www.ncadv.org/ or call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Have you or someone you know ever been the victim of domestic violence?
What affect did it have on your life or the life of your family and/or friends?
How did you become free from the situation?

“She speaks!” I listen…