You'll find that I refer to songs in a great deal of my blogs because I pay special attention to lyrics and sometimes find myself comparing them to events in my life or feelings that I may have. These last few days I've been pondering the lyrics to "Epiphany", a piece of spoken word that Jill Scott performs to a very erotic musical beat on her CD, Words and Sounds: Volume 3.
In this piece, Jill vividly describes what appears to be the perfect sexual encounter with someone whose sole purpose is to give her pleasure. She goes on to describe how she takes over and "puts it on him" to the point where he has spasms in his feet (wow), but suddenly the beat stops and she says "But why do I feel so empty?" This was an epiphanic moment.
A few years ago when I found myself at the end of a long-term relationship, I was suddenly faced with a choice. Do I abstain or not? Sounds easier than it really is for a thirty-something year-old sensual woman, right!
Well, here I am today at forty-three and single. I'm still a sensual woman, but I've learned many valuable lessons over the years. One being the drastic change in how people view relationships today. It seems that people have become much more tolerant to sex in the absence of relationships and love. Everywhere you turn, you hear the term "friend with benefits" or "cut buddy" and quite frankly, I've become afraid that this relationship style will become the popular way to relate for our future generations.
In digging deeper into the "friend with benefits" style of relationships, I've become curious about the reason that both male and female engage in such relationships. Does the female have an issue with low self-esteem and settles for sex because she thinks she isn't worthy or can't imagine anyone truly loving her? Is the male exploiting his female partner or taking advantage of her lack of self-esteem? Does he not have the capability to truly love a woman or is there some deep-rooted unresolved issue that causes him to prefer to keep it on a physical level? (Note that these are merely questions and not judgements being placed on anyone.)
Is there something wrong with this, or is the "friend with benefits" concept perfectly normal and acceptable for consenting adults?
What do you think?
She Speaks! I listen...
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It is just a symptom, of the way, that society views relationships.Everything is fast.People go to fast food restaurants, for fast quick food.If i want something nice,i will go to a nice restaurant; and sit down.(i am planning on staying awhile)Sex and relationships; are the same way.Most people,want a fast nut.They just want something, to satiate there desire.It is just like getting fast food,for the most part;it has no nutritional value.The same could be said for quick sex;it has no real emotional and relationship value.I hope you understand the analogy.
ReplyDeletethis is deep Boo! I don't even know what else to say. Wow! something to definitely think about,
ReplyDeleteWhen I was seperated from my hubby for some time, I too noticed the difference in the dating scene. It was scary to me and at times I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. lol No one kept it real as far as being serious. They kept it real as wanting sex or they kept it real boasting how much money they have. I don't know Sharon. I do really believe in true love and it's out there for everyone. I personally would restrain too, not give it up completely lol, but restrain at least a little while. It's just hard to see who is actually true and really cares for you and not putting on an act. But you know how I feel :)) God has the right one that will cross your path (or may already be in your path) Stay in faith!
ReplyDeleteGod bless and take care, :)
Deja/Drea
I have been without a relationship, sexual or otherwise, with a man for over 19years. Why? Because I found that I wanted more than just a friend with benefits. After several failed marriages and relationships, I no longer trusted men with my heart and emotions. A friend with benefits fit was what I needed, in that I could have my itch scratched without the heavy emotional part and having to totally put myself out there. This lasted for 8 years and then I wanted more but not with him and I still didn't trust enough to take a chance with my heart and I saw no one of interest to even think about it. At this point, I'm still without and think that I may be too old to have what I want and need so there is just me, myself, and I. I think that there are a lot of people who choose the no strings attached relationship because of trust issues. Some will get tired of it or find someone they want to take a chance on or they will continue this way. It's up in the air on personalities that choose this way plus there are so many reasons why they continue this kind of relationship. I just gave you my reason why. Hopefully before I die, I'll meet someone who I'll want to take that leap of faith. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Mo
ReplyDeleteFriends with Benefits . . . hmmm. If I were to offer an opinion, it's my suspicion that people begin with the idealism that both can have what amounts to be a sexual arrangement, but you can't separate emotion and the sense of belonging when sex is involved.
ReplyDeleteUltimately, in many cases, it's very hard to just kiss and say goodbye.
I think as indivuals in life we have to re-evaluate our values. How we really want to feel and actually stand your ground till you get what you want. The problem is standing your ground. Settling is a big part of life. Whether it is with your job or a family member. Accepting them for who or how they are. I think it also boils over into relationships. Settling and trying to wait it out. I hate the term friends with benefits’. Next time I hear it I will make myself turn the other way. L. A.
ReplyDeleteHey lady! I'm there with you on all of that! I'm thirty-four and single. This dude asked me just yesterday..."You have all of these things going for you and you're pretty... Why are you single?" My answer...I'm patient! But honestly... I'm patient in that I'll wait for someone thats good for me and good to me. On the other hand, I'm aggravated with this fly by night concept of what marriage/relationships should be. Its all about convenience.."I'm gonna do me." Every other person lives by this! Folks don't honor marriage... they want to merge incomes to be able to live a certain lifestyle... but they cheat! Folks don't even respect relationships anymore...You say that you got a man... the next question is "Are you happy?" As if they can do it better. They are just waiting to pick up the slack so long as there are no strings attached. They wouldn't wife you anyway...cause... you're a cheater... Duh! People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you!(Male & Female)So, people.. think about the cycle of life... especially those that have daughters. How do you show her what Love is if you don't Love yourself? How does she know what a good health relationship looks/feels like if Momma got a "cut buddy" that never shows up. Remember... she hears your conversations... she knows that you are arranging a night out/sleepover maybe & she can hear a man's voice...How can she begin to understand self worth? I'm nobody's judge... I live in a glass house. I have a 20yr old niece and I speak to these young ladies...this generation is Nuclear! I can't imagine some of them being mothers... but some of them are already. Their bodies are all grown up, but their minds are stuck @16.So, this whole "cut buddy/friends w/ benefits" is really normal for even that 18-26 age group. So what do we do? Real talk... Steve Harvey is laying it all out... Reality's Dream
ReplyDeleteThe loveless bed is so true for many women now, and I for one would rather have no sex than just being someone's piece every now and then...Not, keep it moving pimpin the Diva has left the building.
ReplyDeleteWomen used to have values and morals but with this microwave society we have, not so much...Thanks for this post, my motto is: "Keeping legs closed until you can open and stimulate my mind."