The Loveless Bed

You'll find that I refer to songs in a great deal of my blogs because I pay special attention to lyrics and sometimes find myself comparing them to events in my life or feelings that I may have. These last few days I've been pondering the lyrics to "Epiphany", a piece of spoken word that Jill Scott performs to a very erotic musical beat on her CD, Words and Sounds: Volume 3.
In this piece, Jill vividly describes what appears to be the perfect sexual encounter with someone whose sole purpose is to give her pleasure. She goes on to describe how she takes over and "puts it on him" to the point where he has spasms in his feet (wow), but suddenly the beat stops and she says "But why do I feel so empty?" This was an epiphanic moment.

A few years ago when I found myself at the end of a long-term relationship, I was suddenly faced with a choice. Do I abstain or not? Sounds easier than it really is for a thirty-something year-old sensual woman, right!

Well, here I am today at forty-three and single. I'm still a sensual woman, but I've learned many valuable lessons over the years. One being the drastic change in how people view relationships today. It seems that people have become much more tolerant to sex in the absence of relationships and love. Everywhere you turn, you hear the term "friend with benefits" or "cut buddy" and quite frankly, I've become afraid that this relationship style will become the popular way to relate for our future generations.

In digging deeper into the "friend with benefits" style of relationships, I've become curious about the reason that both male and female engage in such relationships. Does the female have an issue with low self-esteem and settles for sex because she thinks she isn't worthy or can't imagine anyone truly loving her? Is the male exploiting his female partner or taking advantage of her lack of self-esteem? Does he not have the capability to truly love a woman or is there some deep-rooted unresolved issue that causes him to prefer to keep it on a physical level? (Note that these are merely questions and not judgements being placed on anyone.)

Is there something wrong with this, or is the "friend with benefits" concept perfectly normal and acceptable for consenting adults?

What do you think?

She Speaks! I listen...

Loving Someone Flaws and All

As I sat having breakfast and some really great girl-talk with a friend this morning, the topic of flaws came up. My friend pointed out to me that I may need to overlook certain flaws in men if I ever plan to have a companion. I realized that she might be right and wondered if that might have something to do with me still being single at forty-three. Nahhh, couldn't be.

Ever heard Beyonce's song Flaws and All? She's talking about all the things about herself that could be seen as flaws in someones eyes, yet they are overlooked by the one who truly loves her.

The chorus goes: I don't know why you love me. And that's why I love you. You catch me when I fall. Accept me flaws and all. And that's why I love you.

I grew up in the fast life of Brooklyn, NY around fast-talking guys with big-city mentalities. My mother referred to them as "City Slickers", but they were all I knew. When I moved to North Carolina in my early twenties, it took some time adapting to the differences I noticed in most men. The fast-talk had dwindled down to a much slower pace and gone was the street hustler that could take you out all the time and give you almost anything you asked for. I looked at these differences as flaws and overlooked some wonderful southern men as a result. There was one in particular who stands out. I saw him as being too "country" for my taste and belittled his love for me. When I look back, this was by far the one who loved me the way that I would want to be loved today.

That was long ago, and things have changed. I've learned a huge lesson on diversity and that differences are not flaws. I've learned that although I'm from a big city, I'm a country girl at heart and I love the character of a southern gentleman who can hang a ceiling fan, change the oil in my car, take me out for a good 'ole fish dinner and show me he's the king of the jungle where it counts!

I've grown a great deal, and although I don't like to dwell on what would've been, I still can't help but wonder what opportunities for love or friendship I've let pass me by because I couldn't get past what I considered were flaws.

How many friendships or relationships have you let pass you by because of someones flaws?

She Speaks! I listen...

Domestic Violence and Abuse Sucks!

As you may know, October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and I thought it would be fitting to dedicate my first weekly posting of “She Speaks!” to this cause.
First, let me say that my heart goes out to Jennifer Hudson as she mourns the loss of her mother and brother who were murdered in her mother’s South Chicago home on Friday. I saw in one news story that this may be the result of a domestic dispute. Unfortunately, too many domestic disputes end in the tragic deaths of innocent victims.
In my own life, I’ve also experienced domestic violence from different perspectives. When I was seventeen, I met a handsome young man who I eventually discovered turned violent when he became jealous. After getting hit in the head on more than one occasion, I walked away from the situation and refused to see him ever again. I never imagined that I’d be confronted with this kind of violence again, but in my twenties I became involved with yet another man who would use violence to try to control my life. This time, it wasn’t as easy to walk away from the situation because I’d had a child with him. For years, I lived in fear of being hurt or even killed. I thank God that He protected me from harm and showed me what real love is. On the other hand, not everyone is able to escape this sickness as easily. I continue to pray for a family member who has been the victim of domestic violence for over 15 years now. It’s as though she doesn’t think she deserves anything better; like this is what her life should be like. What about her innocent children? Should they be made to suffer as well?
Domestic violence doesn’t just affect the victim. It reaches far and wide and there are indirect victims who suffer as well. For instance, the children of the victim suffer as they watch their parent or guardian abused and demeaned at the hands of their perpetrator. And there are family members who are helpless as they watch their child, sister, or brother constantly in danger, not knowing when or if the phone will ring or if a knock will come at the door bringing bad news.
Domestic violence is more common than some of us may be aware. Around the world, at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime. Nearly one-third of American women (31 percent) report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives, according to a 1998 Commonwealth Fund survey.

If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence and would like to get help, here are a couple of resources where you can start:
http://www.endabuse.org/
http://www.ncadv.org/ or call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Have you or someone you know ever been the victim of domestic violence?
What affect did it have on your life or the life of your family and/or friends?
How did you become free from the situation?

“She speaks!” I listen…