If you’ve visited my blog before, you know by now that I usually start off by relating lyrics to a song with what I’m feeling. In this particular blog, I’m feeling the song Black or White by Michael Jackson, and I’ve chosen this particular part of the song as my focus:
See, It's Not About Races, Just Places, Faces
See, It's Not About Races, Just Places, Faces
Where Your Blood Comes From
Is Where Your Space Is
I've Seen The Bright Get Duller
I'm Not Gonna Spend My Life Being A Color
As the product of an interracial marriage, one would think that I’d have a lot of insight on the fiber of interracial relationships. Not true. My parents separated when I was very young, so I never had the opportunity to see much of an interracial relationship from the inside that my memory can recall. And even though I dated a young Italian man when I was twenty years old, it was too brief and I was too young and immature to really have much information to share about what it was really like for me to date outside my race. Hmmm…perhaps I should say outside the race I’d grown more accustomed to identifying with.
Let me start by saying that I’m not against interracial relationships or marriages. I believe that love is the ultimate common bond and that if love can bring people together, in spite of them being from different cultures and/or ethnic groups, then that is a beautiful thing! I have; however, had moments when I’ve cringed at the sight of seeing successful black men with white women. Yes, I’ve actually gotten in my feelings about it. For the most part, it was because I felt, as stereotypical as it may sound, that some successful black men have adopted the attitude that since they’d “arrived”, suddenly a black woman wasn’t good enough for them. All the while, I’d shake my head and think to myself, “She probably wouldn’t look twice at your black ass if you were broke!” Yes, I’ve said and thought those things. Although I still feel that some successful black men have that attitude, I no longer harbor ill feelings about it. And before I get too much slack, let me say that I don’t believe this is the case with all interracial relationships between black men and white women. I’m not even saying it’s the case with most. I’ve seen numerous magazine articles, talk shows, etc. where black men share their feelings about black women and why they’ve become more open to or prefer dating white women. I’ve heard it all – from black women having bad attitudes, to black women not being submissive enough, and a lot more in between. My question though, is “What is it that draws white women to black men?” Do they have complaints about white men that have caused them to want to date or marry outside their race, or was it just happenstance that they’ve ended up in an interracial relationship? I’d love to get some comments on that…
Suppose I were asked the question: Sharon, would you consider dating or marrying a man of another race? My answer would be yes, I would! I actually think that black women in general should be more open to doing the same. Perhaps we’re limiting our chances at happiness or at marriage by limiting who we will allow ourselves to date. My opinion has nothing at all to do with money, or appearances, status quo, etc. In a life partner, I dream of one who’s trustworthy, peaceful, spiritual, nurturing, sheltering, accepting of all that I am, and supportive of my dreams and aspirations. (A love for travel and a good handyman would be a plus). Okay, this is starting to sound too much like a personal add, but you get the picture. The bottom line is if a man comes along whom I feel good about, the fact that his skin is a different color from mine will not prevent me from the possibility of us moving forward into a loving relationship. Interracial relationships are fine in my book. Actually, I look forward to a time in my lifetime where people aren’t as concerned with what society thinks with regard to who they love.
Now, I’d like to ask a question of you: By being against interracial relationships, does that equate to having a mindset that one’s race is more or less significant than another’s? And does it equate to being prejudiced? Just think about it…
As the product of an interracial marriage, one would think that I’d have a lot of insight on the fiber of interracial relationships. Not true. My parents separated when I was very young, so I never had the opportunity to see much of an interracial relationship from the inside that my memory can recall. And even though I dated a young Italian man when I was twenty years old, it was too brief and I was too young and immature to really have much information to share about what it was really like for me to date outside my race. Hmmm…perhaps I should say outside the race I’d grown more accustomed to identifying with.
Let me start by saying that I’m not against interracial relationships or marriages. I believe that love is the ultimate common bond and that if love can bring people together, in spite of them being from different cultures and/or ethnic groups, then that is a beautiful thing! I have; however, had moments when I’ve cringed at the sight of seeing successful black men with white women. Yes, I’ve actually gotten in my feelings about it. For the most part, it was because I felt, as stereotypical as it may sound, that some successful black men have adopted the attitude that since they’d “arrived”, suddenly a black woman wasn’t good enough for them. All the while, I’d shake my head and think to myself, “She probably wouldn’t look twice at your black ass if you were broke!” Yes, I’ve said and thought those things. Although I still feel that some successful black men have that attitude, I no longer harbor ill feelings about it. And before I get too much slack, let me say that I don’t believe this is the case with all interracial relationships between black men and white women. I’m not even saying it’s the case with most. I’ve seen numerous magazine articles, talk shows, etc. where black men share their feelings about black women and why they’ve become more open to or prefer dating white women. I’ve heard it all – from black women having bad attitudes, to black women not being submissive enough, and a lot more in between. My question though, is “What is it that draws white women to black men?” Do they have complaints about white men that have caused them to want to date or marry outside their race, or was it just happenstance that they’ve ended up in an interracial relationship? I’d love to get some comments on that…
Suppose I were asked the question: Sharon, would you consider dating or marrying a man of another race? My answer would be yes, I would! I actually think that black women in general should be more open to doing the same. Perhaps we’re limiting our chances at happiness or at marriage by limiting who we will allow ourselves to date. My opinion has nothing at all to do with money, or appearances, status quo, etc. In a life partner, I dream of one who’s trustworthy, peaceful, spiritual, nurturing, sheltering, accepting of all that I am, and supportive of my dreams and aspirations. (A love for travel and a good handyman would be a plus). Okay, this is starting to sound too much like a personal add, but you get the picture. The bottom line is if a man comes along whom I feel good about, the fact that his skin is a different color from mine will not prevent me from the possibility of us moving forward into a loving relationship. Interracial relationships are fine in my book. Actually, I look forward to a time in my lifetime where people aren’t as concerned with what society thinks with regard to who they love.
Now, I’d like to ask a question of you: By being against interracial relationships, does that equate to having a mindset that one’s race is more or less significant than another’s? And does it equate to being prejudiced? Just think about it…
In spring of 2011, my sophomore novel, HALF, will be released by Peace in the Storm Publishing. Please keep that in mind, as you will NOT want to miss this poignant tale of a young, biracial woman on a quest to find her identity in a world where everything seems to be either black or white.
SD Denny, Author
2009 African-American Literary Award Nominee
Hi S.D.
ReplyDeleteI loved this! Thanks so much for sharing though you already know I am bias because I am a full supporter of IR relationships. It's always been my preference and I think IR relationships are beautiful and show a growth in society. I have of course come across people with their own prejudices or misconceptions as to why others date out their race. I definitely agree that folks do it for different reasons. I believe some folks do look down on their race because I've seen it with my own eyes.
I've seen folks who date interracially because they don't like their race or themselves and that's sad. I do believe a lot of folks do it for status reasons. Some folks do believe if you date a certain race, you might be seen as better than your own race. This goes back to people who are shallow and have low self-esteem and basically don't like who they are to begin with so feel no pride in their race. But I like to think most IR supporters do it because either they really are attracted to another race or they just fall in love with someone who happens to be of a different race. A lot of IR relationships also have to do with your surroundings.
If you are around a certain race that might be different from your own a lot, or these are the circles you're involved in you are most likely to date outside.
I for one am glad to see more black women dating outside of their race and not being prejudiced toward the idea. For some reason black women were the coldest to the idea from what I've seen but I see now more and more are dating outside their race. I believe that love is great wherever you find it but I do love seeing IR support going around. LOL! It's beautiful to me.
Best Wishes!
I dont have feelings about it one way or the other...I love being married to a black man, however, if I were single in this day and age who knows. The only problem I have encountered is when people bash people of their own race as a justification to date others. I never really understood my female friends who took issue with men who dated outside. In this day and age, women have to excercise all options if they wish to date or marry at all...
ReplyDeleteBe PEACE
I didn't have the opportunity to date outside of my race so I can't say too much. I too love black men and am married to one. However, I do think to each his own. If you are ready for the extra challenges of interracial or cross-cultural marriage, then go for it. When I get annoyed is when people act like the challenges they face in it are unexpected. As long as you live in this world and in these times, society is still not fully accepting. It is what it is.
ReplyDeleteTo answer your question, yes, it is prejudice to be against interracial marriage. And it somehow seems to me that you (the person!) feel there is a dilution of the blood lines or something which might mean you think you are superior :-)
Although I believe our society is more acceptable to interracial relationships than it has been in the past; I don't believe we've come far from the time where prejudice at times makes decisions on who one loves. There's the saying that "Love is Blind", that's until you wake up and find you're in love with the person that causes others to stare, your family to question your intentions, and your peers to criticize your decisions. Love is blind or should be to color, but with are we saying love should not be recognized unless the color blends, unless the financial status is the same, unless the culture is explored and understood by those involved. Love is difficult enough without these restrictions. Love is love, the beauty of ones color, their origin, their culture this is God's purpose for creating man. We tend to place to much value on what is merely the opinion of man. I wonder what the choices white man or black if they both we colorless and treated us the same, love would then make the decision. Love, true love holds a sacred place. One we all want to visit, if not live with a life time. Now, after a divorce and being in a second marriage, I would encourage others to look past the color, the culture, the acceptance and see the love that is needed to sustain any relationship.
ReplyDeleteVery thought provoking.
ReplyDeleteI wish we didn't live in a world where one race is considered "better" than another. I wish I didn't have to wonder about a Black man's motives whenever I see him with a White woman. I wish I didn't cringe every time my son says: "I don't go out with Black girls cause they're loud and stupid and don't know how to act."
BTW: Enjoyed the Burnt Biscuits story too.
As a person with a Rich Multi Cultural Background myself, I am offended whenever someone speaks out against another race, whatever that race might be, but since I identify most strongly with my own Blackness...
Crap like this just makes me sad.
I never dated outside of my race, but as a child, I had this crazy fantasy that I would marry a man like Desi Arnaz for some reason. I still don't know what that was about.
ReplyDeleteI didn't grow up with anyone saying that I had to date my race. We had all types of friends and my parents promoted tolerance for all and my mom especially encouraged me to see the full person no matter what color they are.
We get so hung up on material things and outward appearance and miss out on good people. It's a shame.
I stopped my subscription to Essence for a sec because of all of the commentary by angry black women. They can't see that the reason he doesn't want you is not because you are a strong black woman, it's because you are an angry black woman.
But if you choose to date within your race, there is no problem with that. Just know that a person's complexion does not totally define who they are or their status in life. We continually give power to this and it's a shame.