Celebrating Single Black Women!

The Award for “Most Nauseating Topic of 2010” goes to:
Male Talk Show Hosts for Why Are So Many Black Women Single?

Tell me, is this rose any less beautiful because it is a single, red rose?

It never ceases to amaze me how and why so many men, namely African-American men, especially talk and radio show hosts, claim to have all the answers to what they THINK is the #1 problem plaguing black women in America today – BEING SINGLE! I’ll give it to them, not all of them claim to have the answer to what they call “the problem”, but, if they don’t have the answer, they certainly seem to have placed it at the top of their list of problems that they deem worthy of repetitive discussions. But for the record, I have to give it up to Steve Harvey... at least he has taken the time to put in writing what he feels will help women of all statuses to maneuver through relationship drama, rather than put them down for being single or make it appear to be as bad as having a disease!

Newsflash… the state of being single for a black woman is NOT A BAD THING!

I am a 45-year-old single woman and mother of two, who has never been married. That may seem unorthodox to some, but my life is what it is and I’ve managed to take what some consider a hopeless situation and turn it around for the better. I don’t hold a degree, but I do have some college courses under my belt. I have worked in healthcare for many years in positions ranging from Customer Service Representative to Business Analyst and I’m the award-nominated, published author of two books, with the third being released in May 2011. Let me also say that I'm also in the process of starting a business, which I plan to be fully operational by summer of 2011. Not bad for a Single Woman, huh?

I’m not saying I don’t need a man, nor am I what some call the male-bashing, so-called independent, strong woman type who feels she has acquired so much strength that she can do it all by herself; however, on the other hand, the life that I’ve lived has required me to be strong at times when women are typically thought of as being weak, when I could have easily fallen apart and lost everything I had, including my mind, and all in the absence of a man to help me to hold things together.

For those of you who think that being single is at the top of the list of a black woman’s woes, let me break down the list of benefits there are to being a single black woman:
· A single black woman has more of the time and the freedom often required to adequately take advantage of opportunities for advancement and personal growth in areas such as education and pursuing one’s dreams.
· A single black woman is more in the position to maneuver within the purpose for her life when it involves community and civil outreach because she has fewer restrictions on her time and availability.
· A single black woman has more of the time and mental capacity needed to work on getting to know who she is and who she is meant to be, whereby being able to make better decisions about her life and better choices with whom she will allow to take up space in her life or become partners with in life.

So, you see, it is NOT a bad thing to be a single, black woman! In fact, women should consider themselves privileged to be at such an advantage. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had married women tell me they wish they had one or more of the advantages I’ve listed above, and how many have admitted to wishing they had waited or worked on themselves and their dreams before committing to marriage. It takes time to learn that two half-people do NOT make a whole person, and that the greatest love of all is the love you have for God and for yourself.

There’s a Bible verse, Proverbs 18:22 that says: Whoso findeth a wife, findeth a good thing. So, why have things turned around so in society that single, black women are now led to believe that the number of available, good men is so few that we have to battle it out with other women to land a man, as if the man is the prize? Not so! I refuse to believe that I have to change my values because of this new “black woman you’d better get yourself a man by any means possible” mentality! I’m still a gift and a treasure to behold and I still believe that whoever finds me, finds a good thing!

I’m NOT saying that married black women should now leave their husbands. Please do NOT put words in my mouth. But what I AM saying is that single, black women should embrace being single! You are blessed to be in the position to become a better YOU! Take pride in your singleness and stop letting people tell you that being single is a problem or downfall. I’ll never forget the scene in the movie The Color Purple when Celie finally decides to leave her abusive husband, Albert, and he follows her outside saying “Who you think you is? You can’t curse nobody. Look at you. You’re black, you're poor, you're ugly, you're a woman, you're nothing at all!” He used all the words he could think of in his sick mind to make her think she would never succeed.

Single, black women please take advantage of this time and opportunity to walk in your purpose, pursue your dreams and love the beautiful woman that God has made in you! There’s nothing wrong with you. And there’s nothing wrong with wanting a mate, but until God has blessed you with the right person for you, know that it’s okay to be single in the meantime! And never settle just because society thinks it’s better to have a man than to have no man at all.

SD Denny

Author of The Baker’s Dozen and the upcoming novel, HALF

Available on amazon.com and other fine book retailers

www.sddenny.com

Her Value (In the Raw)

She doesn't value herself, she has no self-esteem

Never has, never will, or so it would seem

Lost somewhere on the battlefield in a meadow of dreams

As she crawled through the conflicts of life by all means

She doesn't value herself, because in spite of the truth

No one's ever been there to show her the proof

So she searched for that proof through the words of a man

From insecure souls without nurturing hands

From cold hearted rolling stones to the ill intended

From those who held back to those who rescinded

Looking for security because in this cold world it's a must

From sun up to sun down and from dawn till dusk

But those things never came

Now she's ashamed

How could this tragedy have come to be

To such a diamond fashioned so perfectly

With tears in her eyes that flowed so naturally

She uttered the following words to me

How is it that I could possibly be

Any value to anyone, or even to me

When my own Daddy didn't even think enough of me

To protect, or provide or to sacrifice for me

He was not there when I lost my first tooth

When I cried at my first heartbreak as a youth

When I had my first date or when I went to the prom

Or the trip to that clinic that they later bombed

I grabbed the pills from the palm of her hand

And lifted her gently from the saline sand

Brushed off her hair and fixed her clothes

And took upon myself the burden of her woes

My sister, I said, take a walk with me

Let me tell you about who I used to be

I didn't value myself, I had nothing to lose

I've held a pill bottle, I've been battered and bruised

I've searched for security, ended up a single mom

And I lived down the road from that clinic they bombed

But after years of searching for someone who valued me

Through trials and tribulations I discovered it was He

The He that breathed the very life into you

Designed you for a purpose which only He knew

Until He revealed to me this one little clue

That what He's given me, I must now pass to you

So, to my sister who does not value herself

Give your burdens to Him, sit them right on His shelf

He's the light of the world, which shines down from above

In Christ Jesus He gave us his sacrificial love

He values you more than you'll ever know

And more than any man could ever show

And now, my sister, what I've given to you

You must pass to another so she knows she's valued too

YOU HAVE A PURPOSE

~SD Denny

Author of The Baker's Dozen and the upcoming novel, HALF

Copyright 2010

Interracial Relationships - Is Everything Black or White?

If you’ve visited my blog before, you know by now that I usually start off by relating lyrics to a song with what I’m feeling. In this particular blog, I’m feeling the song Black or White by Michael Jackson, and I’ve chosen this particular part of the song as my focus:

See, It's Not About Races, Just Places, Faces

Where Your Blood Comes From

Is Where Your Space Is

I've Seen The Bright Get Duller

I'm Not Gonna Spend My Life Being A Color

As the product of an interracial marriage, one would think that I’d have a lot of insight on the fiber of interracial relationships. Not true. My parents separated when I was very young, so I never had the opportunity to see much of an interracial relationship from the inside that my memory can recall. And even though I dated a young Italian man when I was twenty years old, it was too brief and I was too young and immature to really have much information to share about what it was really like for me to date outside my race. Hmmm…perhaps I should say outside the race I’d grown more accustomed to identifying with.

Let me start by saying that I’m not against interracial relationships or marriages. I believe that love is the ultimate common bond and that if love can bring people together, in spite of them being from different cultures and/or ethnic groups, then that is a beautiful thing! I have; however, had moments when I’ve cringed at the sight of seeing successful black men with white women. Yes, I’ve actually gotten in my feelings about it. For the most part, it was because I felt, as stereotypical as it may sound, that some successful black men have adopted the attitude that since they’d “arrived”, suddenly a black woman wasn’t good enough for them. All the while, I’d shake my head and think to myself, “She probably wouldn’t look twice at your black ass if you were broke!” Yes, I’ve said and thought those things. Although I still feel that some successful black men have that attitude, I no longer harbor ill feelings about it. And before I get too much slack, let me say that I don’t believe this is the case with all interracial relationships between black men and white women. I’m not even saying it’s the case with most. I’ve seen numerous magazine articles, talk shows, etc. where black men share their feelings about black women and why they’ve become more open to or prefer dating white women. I’ve heard it all – from black women having bad attitudes, to black women not being submissive enough, and a lot more in between. My question though, is “What is it that draws white women to black men?” Do they have complaints about white men that have caused them to want to date or marry outside their race, or was it just happenstance that they’ve ended up in an interracial relationship? I’d love to get some comments on that…

Suppose I were asked the question: Sharon, would you consider dating or marrying a man of another race? My answer would be yes, I would! I actually think that black women in general should be more open to doing the same. Perhaps we’re limiting our chances at happiness or at marriage by limiting who we will allow ourselves to date. My opinion has nothing at all to do with money, or appearances, status quo, etc. In a life partner, I dream of one who’s trustworthy, peaceful, spiritual, nurturing, sheltering, accepting of all that I am, and supportive of my dreams and aspirations. (A love for travel and a good handyman would be a plus). Okay, this is starting to sound too much like a personal add, but you get the picture. The bottom line is if a man comes along whom I feel good about, the fact that his skin is a different color from mine will not prevent me from the possibility of us moving forward into a loving relationship. Interracial relationships are fine in my book. Actually, I look forward to a time in my lifetime where people aren’t as concerned with what society thinks with regard to who they love.

Now, I’d like to ask a question of you: By being against interracial relationships, does that equate to having a mindset that one’s race is more or less significant than another’s? And does it equate to being prejudiced? Just think about it…

In spring of 2011, my sophomore novel, HALF, will be released by Peace in the Storm Publishing. Please keep that in mind, as you will NOT want to miss this poignant tale of a young, biracial woman on a quest to find her identity in a world where everything seems to be either black or white.

SD Denny, Author

2009 African-American Literary Award Nominee

http://www.sddenny.com/

http://www.peaceinthestormpublishing.com/

Burnt Biscuits

Every now and then, you hear a story that has a meaning that is so profound it grabs hold of you and doesn't let go until you pass it on to someone else. Today, I am compelled to share this gift with you:

When I was a kid, my mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. And I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work. On that evening so long ago, my mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage and extremely burned biscuits in front of my dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all my dad did was reach for his biscuit, smile at my mom and ask me how my day was at school. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that biscuit and eat every bite!

When I got up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my mom apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits. And I'll never forget what he said: "Honey, I love burned biscuits."
Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, "Your Momma put in a hard day at work today and she's real tired. And besides - a little burnt biscuit never hurt anyone!"

You know, life is full of imperfect things... and imperfect people. I'm not the best at hardly anything, and I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like everyone else. What I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each others faults - and choosing to celebrate each others differences - is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.

And that's my prayer for you today. That you will learn to take the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of your life and lay them at the feet of God. Because in the end, He's the only One who will be able to give you a relationship where a burnt biscuit isn't a deal-breaker!

We could extend this to any relationship. In fact, understanding is the base of any relationship, be it a husband-wife or parent-child or friendship!

"Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket - keep it in your own."

God Bless You... Now, and Always.

SD Denny, Author

2009 African American Literary Award Nominee

www.sddenny.com